Two

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from: martintrhiggins@acemail.com
to: richardvhirst@acemail.com
sent: 10.01.10 at 6:13 pm
subject: RE: Hello!

Dear Richard,

Great to hear from you mate, really great. I must say your move came as quite a surprise to me. I mean you’ve never seemed one for big changes and have often told me “I will never leave this place” when we have been sat in The Horseman’s Mistake of a evening, supping pints of Sailor’s Breath, but I think the main reason I'm so surprised is because you were supposed to be helping me paint my uncle Patrick’s perimeter fence yesterday and I had no idea you were leaving. Hey ho, never mind eh?

It all sounds very exciting, trains and everything. They have that one here that drives kids around MacDonalds but I don’t think it’s a ‘real’ train. I remember that time me, you, and Small Keith tried to rob it after a few too many drinks in The King’s Limb. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha. Heh. Do you remember? Actually maybe you weren’t there. Someone your height was there though. I think you made the right choice defending the old people on the train from the kids, after all as Chris Rea once sang “I believe old people are the future / Give them sweets and all the rest”. I think it was him. Glad you made it there safely pal, wherever it is you have gone.

205 Hagenback Heights is such a romantic sounding place. It instantly brings to mind happy families barbecuing meat in the summer sun, playful snowball fights and sledging in the winter, conker fights and kicking leaves in autumn, and other stuff in spring. I can’t believe you saw some prostitutes right near your new flat, that’s amazing. Mind you I suppose that ‘Naughty Nora’ woman lives near me but she’s more of a slut than a professional sex worker. Apparently one of her boobs looks EXACTLY like John Suchet when he played Poirot but I’ve never had the opportunity to verify this. It was Billy Ballsacks told me that and you know what he’s like, a total bloody idiot. As for Chasing The Busker, it doesn’t sound any more odd than that Mocking The Turnip thing that all the men over forty seven have to do here every year over by the lake. Uncle Patrick won three years in a row using the same insult which I thought was a bit sly but I’m only 29 so what would I know about vegetable derision.

Sorry to hear about your unwanted lodger by the way, this Virgil chap sounds like trouble. I knew as soon as I started reading that paragraph that there was strife ahead and that as sure as grass is green, your blue mug with the elephant on it would be at the very centre of the whole shebang. I’ve always liked that mug. Of course I’ve only ever seen photos of it as you were always most insistent that it couldn’t be viewed ‘in person’ which I have to say mate, is a little overprotective. Now this Virgil prong seems to be getting his grubby mitts all over it and I’m pretty jealous. Shame that you are still having those ‘Blunkett Terrors’ Richard, I thought all that psychotherapy would have helped you. I know Doctor Bailey isn’t really a psychotherapist or even a doctor for that matter but a vet has to have gone to medical school too right? Even one that lies as much as Doctor Bailey. David Blunkett isn’t out to get you mate, he probably doesn’t even know who you are. You must defeat this phobia you know, they don’t stand for any of that nonsense in the city. It’s a sign of weakness.

I have no idea what an ‘Assistant Internal Resources Consultant’ does either I’m afraid. It sounds important though. It’s certainly better than ‘Office Chimp’ which is the title my boss insists on using for my position at Betterbins Wastepaper Baskets. It made sense when I was making tea and brushing the floors for them, it was even a little amusing, but I’m an assistant sales manager now for gods sake! He introduces me as ‘Bobo The Office Chimp’ to new clients and has Beryl the tea lady bring me bananas during meetings. I swear one day I’ll do something drastic and wipe the smile off Mister Betterbins once and for all. Actually talking of Betterbins, I suppose I should tell him you’ve left when I go in on Monday. You’ll be missed in the office. Especially by that Elizabeth Fraudenshoesen eh you sly devil? She was always making eyes at you. I know it could get a bit annoying when you were trying to work and they would roll down your desk but you have to admit some of them were very realistic so the girl obviously has talent. I’ll give her your email address anyway, I’m sure she’ll want to write to you.

I’m doing ok mate, you know, the usual. The same as last week really when I saw you in work. And you know very well it’s not Alice, it’s Veronica. Veronica. You should remember that as you spent the entire of her birthday party last year calling her ‘Purple Ronnie’ until she threw a plate of vol-au-vents at the wall and locked herself in the bathroom for 2 hours. I don’t know why you two never got on, you’re actually very similar. Not facially obviously, I made that mistake with Christine Frankells and I still have trouble looking either of you directly in the eye. Anyway, we are both still living together in our flat which is still the size of an average disabled toilet. Nothing has changed here Richard, apart from your presence here obviously. And now I know the reason behind that. Well, I have to go on now mate, Veronica says if I don’t watch Grand Designs with her she will bite off my nose and spit it down my throat. Hahaha. That’s my girl, what a character. All the best of luck at the new job Rich, I mean that. Stay in touch eh?















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