Four

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from: martintrhiggins@acemail.com
to: richardvhirst@acemail.com
sent: 27.01.10 at 23.34 pm
subject: RE: Hello!

Hey Richard,

My god I'm stressed. Work is hell right now. And not in the good way. Mr Crumbgold is coming apart at the seams like a cheap pair of trousers. Last Thursday he made everyone go out after work to The Tulip and Laurence and it all went downhill very quickly. After drinking a whole bottle of Silly Mary whiskey, he insisted we all write down our mobile numbers on napkins and put them in his hat. Then he spent the rest of the night going through the napkins and throwing away all of them execpt the one with my number on it. I left around 10 pm and stumbled home to my traditional berating ritual from Veronica (incidentally, I tried calling her 'Ronnie' the other day for comic effect and she tried to force a bread roll through my face. I think you're right about her sense of humour) before drifting into a peaceful sleep on the sofa in front of one of my compilation videos of old Crimewatch reconstructions. I did not sleep for long though (although I did NOT have any nightmares, Nick Ross made sure of that) as my phone started buzzing indicating a text message had been recieved. It was from Mr. Crumbgold. It said "I WNT YOU 2 DESIGN A BIN THATT CAN SCREAM WHEN ITZ FULL AND NEEDS EMPTYIN". I read it three times and then, putting it down to his drunken state, went back to sleep. The next text came around 10 minutes later, it read "DO IT FLOPSY YOU MASSIVE POO!!!!" which was more than a little disturbing. I sent him a reply enquiring if he was alright, to which he replied "LOLZ!!!! URE GONNA DIE IN A BOAT U HUMAN SICK BUCKET!!!!! :) x". The texts continued to arrive all night, until eventually the last one appeared at 5.47 am which simply said "DWA dsssr jp LOOOL WA???? !".

The next day was dreadful. Friday, as you'll remember, is 'Foolish Belt Day' at Betterbins and so the mood in the office was playful at first (I wore a skipping rope again which made everyone smile). Then Crumbgold arrived. He seemed oblivious to the SMS assault he had put me through the night before when I finally nervously confronted him. He said I was "talking through my ears" and should "go to school again or something". Not long after I went back to my desk, he ran out of his office brandishing several empty beer bottles. He dragged old Mr. Trenderskill out of his chair and made him stand on a table in reception. Poor Bob, he's so old now his skin is almost see through. Crumbgold forced him to put his fingers into the bottles and wave them around. "LOOK" he bellowed, "IT'S BOBBY BOTTLEFINGERS!!!!". We stood in stunned silence as our great leader threw the complimentary oranges from the front desk at Bob for him to catch. Each time Bob's new glass digits fumbled the oranges to the ground, Crumbgold screeched "OOOOPS! BOTTLEFINGERS!!!" and laughed like a greasy Hyena. Urgh. It was a grim sight. What should I do Richard?? You always had a way of calming the boss, should I do something to help him? He's obviously not right.

Anyway, that's enough of my troubles. How's you? Glad to hear the novel is back on the go mate, the new opening chapter sounds much more 'mass appeal' than your first idea. As for Virgil, well you know how I feel about vagrants. Oh no wait, was that Cormorants I was talking about that time? Anyway, be careful. On a positive note, your new offices look very impressive! There must be at least 4 floors in that building!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'll never understand architecture! :D And a new office romance eh? Agatha sounds nice dude, you should totally go for it. You have to stop pre-emptively ruining relationships by imagining which perversion the girl in question would be most disturbed by, it's just silly. You had a great thing brewing with Sally Boooon a while back and you wrecked it all by asking her out whilst stood on her doorstep wearing a gasmask and a paper dress. No one believed it was an asthma cure Rich, no one.

I better go, it's late and Veronica wants me to read her new John Grisham novel to her in my "stupid girly voice" before bed. God I love that woman! :)

Speak to you soon mate.














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