from: martintrhiggins@acemail.com
to: richardvhirst@acemail.com
sent: 08.06.10 at 22.40 pm
subject: RE: Hello!
AHOY!!!
That means Good Evening in Sailor. Hello Richard. I know you probably thought I had stopped caring about you or died or something, but in fact I have been off out in the world 'finding myself'. I know, I know, it sounds ridiculous but it turned out I wasn't happy in our peaceful little home town and wanted more.
Basically, after my last email, I tried to make things work with Sally but failed. She insisted that I was actually the guy who played 'Paul', the geeky friend from 'The Wonder Years'. At first I thought it was funny and charming, but when she introduced me as 'Paul from The Wonder Years' to her friends and later her parents I felt enough was enough. "I'm not him!! I'm not Paul from The Wonder Years!!" I shouted at her as we sat in 'The Awful Prawn', the recently opened seafood restaurant I had brought her to that fateful night. She had told the bemused waiter I was Paul 5 times whilst we ordered starters. She threw her crab soup at my face and stormed off. It was on my journey home, as I tried to ignore the laughter of the teenagers sat behind me on the bus(my crabby fragrance apparently causing them much hilarity), that I decided that I needed to get away from the old town and see what else was out there.
I consulted with my uncle Patrick and he told me that a spell with the merchant navy hadn't done him "any harm". The fact that he was telling me this whilst attempting to fish from a paddling pool full of tea bags in his front room should have set off alarm bells, but it sounded good to me. The Navy. Men fighting the sea and winning. I went down to the docks that evening. After a rather close shave with some speed addled russian sailors I decided to come back the next morning instead.
And so, the following morning I walked down there again and spoke to the most trustworthy looking sea-faring gentleman I could find. It was there I met Captain Charles Bearsspit. He said he'd take me under his wing, of course I had no idea at that point that he meant that literally. He told me he would take me on as an apprentice sailor. I would work on his boat, 'The Flimsy Floozy', as a crew member and together we would see at least one of the seven seas. My god Richard, if you'd seen The Flimsy' in all her glory. The light glinted off her metal bits and the wooden bits were all worn and woody. The sail looked just like my bedclothes on my mother's washing line, flowing in the wind. I was hooked instantly, like a tea bag in my Uncle Patrick's paddling pool.
I have been a junior sailor now for 2 weeks. Everything is going very well, apart from my chronic sea sickness and the fact that I appear to be allergic to sea water. I spend most of my days throwing up in my cabin which I share with Old Bobby Womacknorelation and Little Terry Flopscotch. At night for some reason I can handle the sea sickness and so then I go out and help tie ropes and hoist sails. It's very exciting. We've dropped anchor somewhere in Spain and that's where I am writing to you from now! Did that make sense? The almost constant nausea is playing havoc with my mind. Anyway, we are here for the night getting supplies and some medical assistance for me and my bloody screaming/vomiting thing. Then we set off for.....who knows!! (Captain Bearsspit knows apparently, but he isn't talking to me because I threw up on his shoes this morning.)
I will contact you again when I can me old shipshape. Or is it mate? I've not got the hang of this yet, but by grog I will!
Your friend,
Martin
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