Six

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from: martintrhiggins@acemail.com
to: richardvhirst@acemail.com
sent: 08.02.10 at 21.34 pm
subject: RE: Hello!

Hi Rich,

I know it's been a while since I've been in touch. I've not had any access to the internet for the last week. I am currently staying at French Tony's house and he doesn't believe in the internet. It's not that he doesn't believe in using the internet, or that he's morally opposed to it. No, it turns out that Tony literally does not believe that the internet exists. I bought a laptop and tried to sneak it into the house but he found it and buried it somewhere in the garden. I have had to pay £17.50 for 15 minutes internet use in 'Aunt Maggie's Coffee-Cafe/Shop/Newsagent/Butcher's' on Pernicus Street.

Why, you may be wondering, am I staying at French Tony's? Well Rich, I know you won't be surprised or probably even upset to hear this, but Veronica has dumped me and kicked me out of my own flat. And I am gutted. It all happened the weekend before last. Veronica came home early from Speed Chess class to find me sat in front of the PC, large bottle of Lucozade in hand, and a dirty website on the screen. I was mortified. She was furious. I don't know if you've ever seen the site before Rich, you were always so secretive about your online favourites, but it's a cracker. It's called 'Womenofloosemorals.com' and features pictures and videos of women in short dresses smirking, smoking, drinking beer, dropping litter, paying bills weeks later than they should and in some cases NOT PAYING BILLS AT ALL. I know, I know, absolute filth, but I feel very strongly that every man should have a few vices. Obviously my Uncle Patrick believes this in a very literal sense, and the less said about 'Paddy's World of Grip' the better. Anyway, she went ballistic and we had a horrendous arguement.

I can give you a good idea of how horrendous mate, I swore. I said "Why don't you get off my frigging case, you crazy whore-faced miscreant!!". She was speechless for at least a minute. You know very well how little I swear. I guess it's because of the time I spent at the School of Christian Brothers. Those were tough times at that school, Dominic and Lorenzo Christiano were harsh taskmasters, but I was always taught that swearing was wrong and that every time I swore, Jesus would drop some change and bump his head looking for it. Of course, it later transpired that the Christian Brothers establishment was not a school at all but a mechanics. As a result I cannot quote you any poetry, or solve an equation, but I can strip the engine of a ford fiesta in 10 minutes flat.

Anyway, after that fight she told me I had one night left in the flat so that I could pack my stuff, and then I had to leave. I agreed, resigned to the fact that we were coming to the end of our adventure. I was dividing our box sets, one episode each, when the doorbell went and a selection of Veronica's friends and some local sailors stumbled into the flat. She had decided to hold a party to celebrate her new found freedom. Ever the gracious host, I served drinks and snacks to them all until around 1 am whereupon a large man called 'Slash-face' with a map of Swansea tattooed on his forehead insisted that I leave. I made my way to French Tony's and asked if I could stay at his for a bit and here I am still. It's not permanent, I don't really like sleeping in a bath, it's just until I get my head sorted out. I miss Veronica and my lovely flat, but I guess things weren't working and something had to give. I wish you were here Rich, I could do with a shoulder to cry on and a sofa to sleep on. Maybe I could come visit you? Let me know if this is possible, I don't want to intrude on the home that you and Virgil have built there.

I better go, Tony stands out in the street and shouts if I'm not back in the house by 10 pm. Incidentally, did you ever hear how French Tony got his name? Apparently one day 12 years ago in The Greasy Face he inexplicably said 'Oui' instead of 'Yes' when he was asked if he wanted more tea. The name just stuck.

Take care, hope to hear from you soon.